The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
me after drinking all the wine:
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap