Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.