Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

happy friday

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…