The real reason evolution started..😂
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Finally! 😈
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?