The real reason evolution started..😂
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
