The real reason evolution started..😂
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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.