The real reason evolution started..😂
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BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
