the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
Just why bro?!
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.