the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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How about daylight saves us for once
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?