the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.


Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.


what’s on your back?
“a katana”
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”


My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.


What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.


BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie


Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!


“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.