Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
what’s on your back?
“it’s a japanese sword used…you know what *takes back résumé* I don’t think I wanna work here”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.