@chamoulie

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

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@AaronFullerton

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@sixfootcandy

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

@ToneLoaf

You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”