Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?