The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Hell yeah 👍
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok