The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
