Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

monday

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?