Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

twitter is a journey

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.