The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
