The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

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Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?


*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother


The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.


Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.


Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.


Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?


For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.


My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.


SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.