@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

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@TheToddWilliams

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

@fuzzlime

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

@TheFemKilljoy

The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.

@WilliamAder

Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.

@BasicLyes

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

@jujuhounds

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

@awkwardwit

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@CruisinSoozan

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.