The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
good work, everybody
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
How your email finds me
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..