The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…