The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
i can’t wait that long
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”