Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.