The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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Tier 3 meme
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…