The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
What even happened today?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”