The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.