Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

I’m never leaving this app.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.