Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvpD6joWYAEijiA.mp4

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office