How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
It’s like my daddy always says…if you can’t beat ’em, arrange to have ’em beaten.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*