The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

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How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox


People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.


It’s like my daddy always says…if you can’t beat ’em, arrange to have ’em beaten.


ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn


Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?



[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want


Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.


Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.


7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.


At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*