The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.