Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

Lmfao

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

The struggle is real

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you