The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Why am I like this?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Found my door mat
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.