The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The Punning Dead.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…