The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.