The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What the dentist sees
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.