Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Said the murderer.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?