The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
You Might Also Like
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Bruh PLEASE
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up