Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year