The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it