Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

good news everyone

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat