The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
classic mixup
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.