Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

What happened to the other hiker??!

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time