The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
it must be school picture day
Mood.. 😂
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
i love modern commerce
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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