Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

*pokes sex life with a stick

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

pictures of spider-man

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby