The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
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shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I went from rags to one rag.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
🤔😂😂
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.