The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Monday
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]