Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

ㅤ

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

*seductively eats two tums*

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

🤣😈🤣

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.