Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

Breaking news:

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.