The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?