The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
You Might Also Like
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?