Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.