Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when somebody idk start touching me

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.