Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Born to be mild.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

The legends speak of a third Duran…