The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
You Might Also Like
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Who knew!
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.