Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.