Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Why? Just why? 😂

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

crying

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.