Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”