The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My time has come.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?