@The_JRM

The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.

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@Tmoney68

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@BartenderMB

My girlfriend says I’m easily distracted during sex and it’s a problem. Well, better get back to it. Bye.

@nachosarah

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@Tormny_Pickeals

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@InternetHippo

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all