@The_JRM

The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.

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@GroovyTasia

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

@phalguy

My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.

@Parentpains

My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.

@iinkedZombie

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

@TheAlexP

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

@jake_lach

Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

@cottoncandaddy

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

@IjeomaOluo

Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.

Me:….A…..douchebag??

10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?