Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.
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My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.
Me: [handing over tools]
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
this makes sense
Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?
10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.
10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?