Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Make new friends? bro out of what?

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?