The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
*changing sex positions*
ok now let’s do a silly one
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.