[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
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[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit