The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.


“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots


*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*

TWIN: she’ll never find out about us

ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy


Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.


This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:


The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.


Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.


Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.


Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.