“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*
TWIN: she’ll never find out about us
ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.