The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics