The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart