Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

October already? What’s next? November????

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.