The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*