The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.