The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
A small tragedy.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history