The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.