The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.