The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans

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Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12


My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”


Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”


[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me


“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve


“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”


Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.


“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
“Thank y-”
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]


I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.


Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid