I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
mom had nothing to worry about
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
incredible
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.