@Token_Geezer

The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans

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@thentherewasmo

Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

@stephenjmolloy

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

@TragicAllyHere

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@behindyourback

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

@anildash

Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.

@ruinedpicnic

“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
“Thank y-”
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]

@GingerHotDish

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

@aytdao

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid